fallencritic's Xanga

Lipat-bahay

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 14:04:16 GMT

I moved to a new home.

See you there!

A Breakup Letter

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:04:13 GMT

Dear Xanga,

I know this would come as a shock to you (although if you come to think of it, I knew you'd have an idea.) In almost four years that we've been together, you've always been a great listener. You were the absorber of everything I fling off you, warts and all.

I've always found myself looking for you whenever I was lost, overwhelmed and overjoyed. You were my sanctuary, where I was at my most comfortable, most familiar place. You've showed me the way to meet new friends whom I’ve learned to value so much. Consequently, I have shared with you almost everything about me, even though we're at the mercy of the world looking from the outside. You've stripped me off of my inhibitions and let me be as honest as I could. Along the way, I've learned to trust you completely and love you in the process.

But no matter how we try to deny it, things have changed now. In drastic ways. As you and I did.

I realized how we've grown apart. After a long absence, I was so excited to go back home, only to find out that it has become a stranger place than I remember. Though there were welcoming arms who didn't forget the good old times, it was the unfamiliar atmosphere that made you more distant, withdrawn even. And I felt myself sequestered, like a little child who is pulled away from the dangers of the big big world.

I saw you, all made up and embellished with all these new things, which has also helped you attract new friends. There were pulses, minis, credits and you can now even store more good memories in stills and motions. You've always been very flexible and that's what I like about you. You've also made it easier for people to understand you by giving them the chance to pick and try different versions of you.

Don't get me wrong. I was really excited to see your new look. Everything that happened to you made you even more appealing. Although I'm not a fan of all these changes, I don't really hate it. I just think it made a whole lot of difference to what I was used to.

I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed. It's just that the Xanga I knew back then was so much better for me, for us. I feel like I don't know you anymore. When I first met you, everything was just so easy. I don't need to go with all the nitty-gritty processes just to understand you. But now, I think I don't even want to try. I know it's bad and I don't want to do that you. It's unfair but that's just how I feel.

I don't want to lead you on to something that I could not fully commit to. We'll only be fooling ourselves if we keep on believing this will work out. And I also don't want to give you false reasons just to make you feel better.

You deserve my honesty because we never lied to each other. And you also tolerated so many bouts of my insanity when we were still together.

The thing is, when I lost my way, going back and forth in the cyber wasteland and not knowing what to do, I found him.

I didn't really believe it but it was like love at first sight. He defines me in so many levels. I know he's different from you, too simple, too safe. But that's just what I need right now. I don't want to be in a more complicated relationship as relationships are already complicated. I just want to feel that I belong again.

Maybe this is for the best. You know how I suck at adjusting to change but it happens anyway. Those times when I didn't see you, maybe it was one way of making this easier for us. I admit I was cold. I should've talked to you. I didn't mean to keep you hanging. I just fell out of it.

And for that, I'm sorry.

But don't think I didn't try hard to save this. Those little snippets of "conversations" we had during these last few months were nice. It made me relieve our fun moments. It was harder to let you go because, well, this is you we're talking about. You are special to me, in more ways than one.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to be happy for me. It'll be hard to move on but we can do this. We are both made of stronger stuff. And it was you who taught me to be tougher after all.

I hope we can still be friends. Don't worry, I promise that I won't shut you down. It's the least I can do for all the things you've done for me.

We did have a perfectly good time, didn't we? And everything good in this world is meant to be kept forever.

I'll miss you and I will never forget you. Have fun with the new you.

Always ♥,

Fallencritic

Oh no, cameo!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:59:26 GMT

Lame title. I know.

While I await the green light for our meeting scheduled at 2pm today, I decided to blog. Now, don't expect anything important or interesting from me because my mind's kind of somersaulting onto various topics that they never really came into print. I just realized (well, for the nth time) just how much I miss blogging. Or my blogger self. Or those times in between work/school and other activities when I just ramble about random stuff and voila, a new blog entry!

I realized that ever since I joined the workforce, I didn't get to be random anymore. I don't get to update my realms, consequently forgetting to share even minute and trivial cyber thoughts. I mean, I'd even kill for some nonsense blogging in between my endless deadlines to beat. Even those skimpy photo albums I maintain on the Web, whether on Friendster (*yawns*) or Multiply, they don't get any more recent than they already are.

I actually signed up in Facebook months ago but that's just it. I just registered and then...nothing. The bandwagon has left me. Although I refuse to jump in most of the time, I didn’t really want it to leave me at that moment.

Thankfully though, the gods of Internet (which FYI, might be existing or it’s just Neil Gaiman’s American Gods half-messing my perceived reality) haven't banned me yet for inactivity (Like the eponymous Yahoo mail accounts.)

And as a defense, I still get to do my "obligations" as a self-confessed Internet junkie by reading blogs (albeit anonymously), lurking on my favorite forums (or fora. Whatev.), downloading music and vids (albeit illegally *wink*), Twitting and day-to-day infowhoring. I don't even read broadsheets anymore (with its ink-splatting extravaganza), what with online publications just a mouse-click away.

Heck, I have the world at my fingertips. But the thing is, I don't get to share with the world a part of myself, as much as I used to. I feel like I owe it something. Something huge.

Hence, this entry.

Like I said, this is nothing important. I don't have a topic in mind. And I'm not about to rant. (Or maybe it's just the morning coffee drowning my inhibitions earlier, revealing my calm self). I just want to remind myself how it feels like to be blogging again. With the free time to write about stuff other than work stuff. When everything doesn't center on other people's achievements or whatever the hell our clients are thinking of shouting to the big, big world.

For once, after a long time, it's nice to write about what I think and what I feel strongly about. To write about me. (Okay, I can just hear Shakespeare hollering back, Hoy-day! What a sweep of vanity comes this way! Hahaha!)

I guess I’ve just grown tired writing in the third person. I miss being a bit self-centered. Anyway, I hope this isn't my last blog entry before the month ends. Cross fingers with me!

@_@

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 01:23:32 GMT

So, 2007 has ended. Old story. Passe.

Most people have already written out their yearenders way ahead of time. And some have done it in a way so beautiful I could just stand in one corner and applaud for eternity (special shoutout to Ade.) The year that was, for me, was bittersweet. There were unbelievably good times and there were painstakingly bad ones, both of which would prolly take a lifetime or so to enumerate.

For two years, I've hold on to the tradition of ending and/or welcoming the year with a prayer. It was fitting for someone who is known to be quite a "pasaway" when it comes to religious obligations but holds on to the kind of faith she knows and trusts. Yeah, I'm talking about me. But this year, I decided to break the chain, for the reason that I already went to the whole phase of
talking to Him in person. Of course, I meant that figuratively.

Letting out your heart in the shower while the water gushes over your body is not exactly the prescribed Vatican way of contemplating. Pope Benedict XVI would have condemned me for sacrilege. But for me, it was the most liberating thing I've done in my life. It felt really good. I was as honest and as straightforward as I could get. Kind of emo for some people but what the hell. LOL The priest who scolded me so many years back during a confession would've been so afraid and so proud of me, all at the same time. ^_^

Anyway, what I like about yearenders is the expected trip to memory lane, a chance to review the year's most precious moments. For some, it'd feel like time passed by so quickly that they didn't notice. For others, it was a slow-paced journey and if they could, they would ask for an extension. For a chance to do something more, something better.

Whilst most people would take the road to highlight life events, I decided to list down instead the lessons I've learned that would make 2008 much better and more rock and roll for me. Hopefully, that is.

1. FRIENDSHIP IS A MUTUAL COMMITMENT.

When you discover that even if you keep trying to be a good friend to others, they wouldn't even move an inch to be one to you, you begin to lose direction, purpose and initiative. Eventually, the friendship would become just a cheap show, with familiar names in posters and billboards but strangers in the fold.

2.THE HEART DOES NOT HAVE A FACE.

One's goodness and kindness don't need to hide behind a mask. They don't need flowery words, royal compliments and a gazillion promises to move heaven and earth. They are transparent, honest and humble. What kills benevolence is hatred. What nurtures hatred are good intentions in disguise.

3.LEARNING IS AN ENDLESS UNDERTAKING. STOPOVERS ARE TEMPORARY LULLS TOWARDS THE REAL DESTINATION.

Having accomplished a lot this year, I still consider myself a humble learner of the many things and opportunities hovering in the horizon. Time and again, I've wished for the stars. And I've yet to reach even the farthest layer of the earth's atmosphere. So, I don't shower myself with compliments and pats on the back yet. Until I'm dirty enough to deserve it. :)

4. FAITH IS ESSENTIAL

Okay, so I don't attend mass regularly. I detest some Catholic traditions and their stupid standards about "the righteous people." But I'll bet you,with all I have in my life. that my God knows and loves me. And right now, I'm doing just fine in His eyes.

5.IT'S HIGH TIME.

For my eyes to see, for my ears to listen, for my lips to kiss and for my heart to open. (Naks! Imbento. Hahaha. :P) Seriously though, it isn't supposed to be scary. I just didn't do well last time. So I'm willing to let my guard down again. Hopefully, it will not be for nought.

Shet, I feel like I'm in Oprah or something. Hehe

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 13:17:37 GMT

Hello Xanga and all of its minions!
You're probably all wondering what I've been doing and if ever I'm still bound to come back in the cyberworld.
I've never really been out.
At least, out there somewhere, lost and transfixed, the electric sheep is dreaming of my face.

Okay, that's weird.
Anyway...

I guess, just like the Writers Guild of America, I'm kind of in a strike.
It's not so much my personal choice, really.
And I guess it's not so much a strike if it's just one person doing it. Or is it? Oh what the hell!

I'm just, you know
here, there and everywhere
trying to deal with
circumstances way beyond my control.

Or maybe...

I just don't have that good enough of an excuse. :D

Well, if someone somehow got lost
and passed by this empty abode
which has not been updated since godknowswhen
I just want you to know that I'll be back soon.

For now
if someone wants to have short updates about my life
not that it's gonna be worth your while or anything
or that you're the tiniest tad interested
please visit www.twitter.com/mitch23

Hear me blab in short sentences
because that's what I can afford as of the moment
or at least before Christmas.

I'll be back with my long rants and raves soon.
Bear with me, friends!
I'll find my way here again, because there's no place like home. :)

Tata!

The F word

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:34:22 GMT

If I could look at my life as an outsider, I’d say, “That girl must have been doing fine because she seemed happy. She’s pretty much living it up, seizing every moment while it lasts.”

Yeah, sure. Life is great at the moment. But when the fun and laughter stops, albeit short-lived these days, my heart starts pounding like a maniac in Prozac whenever the F word surfaces deviously like that first sweet kiss you didn’t really expect. (Hey Mr. Perverson, I’m not thinking about what you’re thinking!)

I’m talking about that big, mysterious, condescending, all-encompassing FUTURE. It’s the one which all wise men of yore always fretted about. The seers’ bread and butter, Nostradamus’ favorite subject, an innocent girl’s most ardent desire, only to find herself stuck between fear and excitement when it threatens to loom in her deepest sleep.

It’s that big chunk of the unknown that everyone’s preparing for.

Life’s conditions are summed up to four: Go to school, find a stable job (or set up a business), get married and build a family. All for the same end: to have a successful and happy future.

But at the end of the day, will everyone really be that ready when they come face to face with Future? No matter how you toil, drained of your blood and sweat, plus all those times you missed your favorite primetime TV shows because the traffic jam from your workplace is even worse than the 2006 MMFF entries combined, the future will always have a few surprises up its sleeves. Something you are not ready for.

If that’s the case, maybe everybody’s preparation for the imminent, the forthcoming and the yet to come will never really be enough.

I know life’s surprises are what make life more exciting. It would be a total borefest without these thrills, “the inevitability” that would knock us off our feet. Don’t get me wrong, I know and believe that. I just realized that there are people who really, and I mean really, work their ass off to put their futures in order. Some of them even breathe their careers so much, it actually smothers them. Of course, they don’t care when that happens. As long as there is constant money on the table. As long as it’s not impossible to buy that spanking Nine West stilettos on payday. And all because they don’t want to be some old wuss in a rocking chair many years from now, just thinking about the what ifs and the what could have beens all the live long day!

However, is preparing too much for the future already overrated?

And if people believe that the present is what matters most, how come the present is mostly dedicated to “preparing for the future”? Is Future too spoiled that everything is just directed for his consumption or is Present just too submissive because “one day at a time” isn’t really fun anymore?

Forget it. Maybe I’m just messing with your mind.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:10:43 GMT

Just random updates to let my friends know that hey, I’m not making some dumb excuse to make myself unavailable for the many gimmicks, get-togethers and parties I missed and canceled. I didn’t even have the time to update my blog anymore. Isn’t it a tad obvious? If this blog were a real place, I swear you’d see that there are dusts and cobwebs everywhere.

Anyway, just a few updates from my oh-so-busy life. Not that I’ complaining because there’s always a silver lining to everything. And as I believe, when there are so many things happening around you, that’s when you are most alive.

1.) Remember the book I told you about a few months ago that we were tasked to write for? Originally, it was supposed to be about successful entrepreneurs who are currently making it big in the country. But there was a slight change of plans because we were told to write about celebrity entrepreneurs instead. So, for the past weeks, we’ve been interviewing your favorite celebrities who were responsible enough to own something so they can have something to do when the limelight’s over. In all fairness, some of them have no star complex whatsoever and they actually give great answers. At least, some of them. LOL

2.) The 20^th Philippine Ad Congress on November 21-24 in Subic is my personal highlight for 2007. Why? Oh, nothing much. Just having a once-in-a-lifetime chance to finally meet and greet Neil Gaiman. Yup, the writing god himself! Quoting Rachel from Friends, Isn’t it just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Hahaha! Well, I actually mean it like how a masochist would take the news. LOL Although we have to work like sh*t almost every hour at the Congress, there’s still a nice little treat for Gaiman fans like me.

3.) A few hours from now, I’m going to Josh Groban’s “invitation-only” gala night. Just so you know, I’m currently crushing on him. Hehe

4.) We’ll also be having VIP tickets for Beyonce’s concert in November. Her, I’m not crushing on but I’m pretty excited about it too.:P

5.) As for the more personal part of my life, well, let’s just say it’s going somewhere fun. Troubling at time, but fun just the same.

Okay, show’s over. Now, my lips are sealed.

Touché

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 06:11:41 GMT

Mitch, this is why I love you. You bring me back to reality. At least half of me (you know what I mean) and you bring back my reason, again at least half of it. What you said pounded me like a hammer all over. It hurts but it's true. Thanks.

And to think I was the one who was supposed to do the comforting. Suprisingly, I was the one who was more struck. :)

Hating goodbyes

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 13:12:58 GMT

I think there’s nothing more agonizing than having to say goodbye. Au revoir, sayonara, good riddance. Whether you’re doing the dirty work or you’re at the receiving end of the stick, the level of sucky-ness doesn’t change one bit. As far as my 22 rollercoaster rides are concerned, I’ve been and done both, and there was never a time that I liked being in either situation.

Breaking down after a send-off becomes overrated. A load of tears is always expected to trump seas. Also, airports tend to become too suffocating. The departure area looks like the road towards hell.

Horizons are bleaker and nights are colder. The next day, you’ve also got to deal with the world’s worst hangover, because as saying goodbye sucks, it’s the day after that sucks even more.

When someone in my life leaves (for whatever reasons and whether it’s temporary or permanent), the saying goodbye part still affects me, like seeing my crush parading his love for his longtime girlfriend all over Multiply. And to be honest, I’ve never really been good at dealing with the consequences of farewells. Sometimes, I would sulk for hours without really getting over the misery of parting ways. Other times, I would try to divert my attention to trivial things, but when everything’s over and done with, the pain of separation still stings like a giant scorpion. And living on a desert seemed like a fairer deal.

Days become too long to bear. It’s like watching a very bad movie and you can’t get the hell out of the theater because you foolishly paid for it way too expensively.

When my parents decided to move out of our old apartment to live in our present home in Cavite, I was too afraid to say goodbye to my friends. I thought that it was too impossible to go on without them that maybe I’d just ask my Dad to just let me stay. But I still had to do it. I still had to say goodbye. I couldn’t just walk away from everything without having to bid farewell to the people and to the place I’ve grown to love. I remember telling my childhood best friend weeks before our elementary graduation to write me a gazillion letters so that we could still keep in touch. Letters did come by. But the friendship, that fought hard to survive, didn’t.

I never knew that when I said goodbye to the life I had for 12 years, I also said goodbye to a great friendship. Of course I didn’t want it to happen. She was the first person I ever called my bestfriend. Who would want to just look back and say, “Yeah, she used to be my best friend.” But things happen. And up till now, I still blame everything to saying goodbye.

Coincidentally, farewells and I became the worst of enemies.

Every year, I have to bid farewell to my father, who had to work oceans away, so we can live as comfortably as we want. His stay seems to have dragged an invisible hourglass and I dread for the minute of the sand’s last remaining drop.

When my heart started to thump like crazy, I had to say goodbye to someone who was too perfect and too messed up to be mine. I also bid farewell to someone who wanted the best for me, took care of me like no other but also took advantage to live my life. And to top it all off, I said goodbye to someone whom I really loved that I was willing to be irrational and submissive. But I let him go without trying to stop him, and let him go when he opted to stay. At that time, big old farewell tasted its most undeserving victory.

Lo and behold, the villain got even more inspired. It struck harder with the death of a dear old friend. My archenemy then turned into a horrible monster, as his leftovers became too bitter, too uncompromising, too tragic.

The demon I was fighting with was clearly cheating, resting his claws into a technicality that I was powerless with. I became this stupid, helpless person who keeps on fighting a lost battle.

I have to give kudos to Napoleon Bonaparte. At least, he conquered Europe and had his share of triumph before the Waterloo fiasco. In my world, I’d give anything for a little of the Corsican’s fate than not having won at all.

RECESS

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 07:19:16 GMT

Yey! I finally had the chance to squeeze this blog update into my list of endless TO DO’s at work. I’ve never been this ecstatic at blogging until now, since it’s a sure breather from the writing load that I have to work on. *sigh* With the book and everything, we have to really work extra hard if we ever want to nail that February deadline.

So, 2 weeks ago, I turned 22. Big f*cking deal. Hahaha. @_@ Kidding aside, I really had a blast, with everything that happened during my birthday and the days preceding and succeeding that. I was especially glad because my father was able to go home (on my birthday itself) from abroad and would be spending some quality time with us until his vacation’s over. It’s always fun when he’s here. I wish I could spend more time with him but you know, I have to go through my 8-5 job everyday. But still, it’s different when I come home and he’s there. *sniff*

*end of dramatic scene*

Anyway, back to the birthday thingy, celebrated my birthday the way I planned to. It was fun. It was also the first time that I actually looked forward to growing older. I don’t know. Maybe I was hopelessly clamoring for some dose of maturity that I have somehow associated it with my being 22.

Not that it’s some kind of assurance anyway. C’mon.

I’ve realized so many things that do not involve any bitterness (anymore). Now that I’m 22, I will try to be less affected by the people around me. I think it’s about time that they suck without my giving them so much publicity. I’m not even paid for it anyway. :P

On other news, I’ll be going to Cebu again later this month. I think the Queen City of the South misses her princess. Hahahaha! JK. Enough with the princess bit already! (That’s for my college buds’ attention. ) Gimme a break! Hahaha!

Remember my birth month mantra? “I shall not succumb to anything that may dampen my spirit.” It worked, it worked!

So far, I’m happy. I hope the streak never ends.